LIFE after the LOSS

Ministry without Mommy

Psalms 27:10 NKJV “When my Father and my Mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.”

How would anyone know how you feel if they never had your experiences? You don’t really know the effect LOSS has on anyone, we’re so accustomed to hiding our feelings, we’re always “I’m good” or “Blessed and highly favored” that we never express how we really feel about LOSS or about LIFE. Christendom has taught us to SAVE FACE, it’s not alright to tell the Church listen, i.e. I’m saved and single but, I’m hot and horny, I’m pissed off and I’m angry, I like married men, I like women and men, I’m just not okay and I NEED HELP. This is why the Church even in being a hospital for the sick many are still sadly dying because we were never able to tell the truth and there hasn’t been anyone that Mothered and Fathered us long enough to tap into the real issues we go through in life. I found out even in all our Gifts, Talents, and Spirituality if we never go back in the past and deal with our ISSUES, we will never be able to really help the SICK in our Churches. Something will always be missing and we will never operate in our fullest potential because of issues that were left UNHEALED, UNTOUCHED, and SUPPRESSED.

Side Bar: It’s okay to not be okay! It’s okay to talk to someone professional outside of your circle. Mental health is something the Church will not talk about but we are half way through the year of 2020 and today mental health is realer than it has ever been.

I know at times being BROKEN is more comfortable than being HEALED, because we’ve sat BROKEN for so long in a number of areas that it’s comfortable now. WAIT! I sat BROKEN for so long and being BROKEN was more COMFORTABLE to me. But when God turns your world upside down and BREAKS you to BLESS you and CHALLENGES you to CHANGE you, He does it in a way to make you WHOLE and completely HEALED.

Not having both my biological parents in the home, not sharing the same last name as my younger siblings, being told my father wasn’t really my Father, etc. it may be minor to you but these are some things that I never talked about and here I go into my adulthood with the same teenage issues that I never sat down and talked about. What happens when Mommy is gone, Daddy is dead (the biological one) and there is know one to answer the questions that you want to ask?

I started preaching April 21, 2002 licensed and ordained 2 times (I do have a license). I can honestly say I preached many places from North Carolina to New York. Mommy was just about at every engagement. I knew God was really using me when I would look over at Mommy and she would nod her head, that was my signal to keep doing what I was doing. Even in the days I served and someone else preached, for some reason Mommy loved to see me in my all white nurses uniform serving because I never preached or served out of flesh, those are the moments that taught me to pray. I would once again look over at Mommy and this time she would either smile or nod her head, which let me know you’re doing a good job daughter. Those moments were never taken for granted, they taught me humility and I always questioned what could I do better. I wasn’t PERFECT in the POSITION but the PROCESS PERFECTED the PURPOSE of what I had to endure to get where I am now. MINISTRY WITH MOMMY was a blessing indeed. I can remember traveling to New York to preach at 2 churches and while at the 2nd service Mommy told me don’t take an offering from them, sow it back into them. A HUMBLING MOMENT! I knew Mommy had my best interest at heart and I trusted the God in her enough to obey her instructions. Now Mommy is gone and though the pain never leaves, however; it does get easier to deal with. MINISTRY WITHOUT MOMMY has been rough. For many years I fought God and those around me, I was angry with God, preaching was now something I questioned because the person that supported me was no longer around to help me carry and birth what I possessed. I was hurt by the mere fact that I thought Mommy would get better with time, this broken place I found myself in, I allowed my hurts to hurt others, I did not handle people well, I sunk deeper and deeper into depression and dislike for others.

So I was left with questions with no answers and what if’s are merely dreams left unfulfilled, but I love how God takes what was once BROKEN and He BLESSES You, He BREAKS You, and then He gives you to the people (Matthew 26:26).

Daddy is Dead

My latest blog touched many lives, I just write as God leads me, after the positive feedback I thought I was good, I was like yes I’ve told the truth and I dealt with all I needed to deal with, sadly so God said to me no you haven’t, He showed me where I had suppressed my hurt and what society calls “Daddy Issues.” The first thing many will think is that I married my husband because of that very fact, we’re being honest right? Honestly, I didn’t, I did not like Mark Sr. at first, but it was something about him that drew me to him and I didn’t see a Dad in him, I saw pain and I wanted to know where it came from. One of my first instincts was to COVER HIM IN PRAYER (I will share our story in another blog) and let’s just say the rest is history, WE’RE MARRIED TODAY! So God showed me in prayer I had to deal with my daddy issues. These last few months has been rough, from dealing with anxiety, to reliving the loss of my Mom, to being in a pandemic, and yet still having to be STRONG and KEEP IT TOGETHER. I had to really tell myself it’s okay to not be okay, this is what’s wrong with the Body of Christ, we do too much pretending and we never just simply be honest and say I have the Holy Ghost but I have HEART ISSUES. So there were only 3 people God brought before me to share the issue with that I needed to deal with so they could cover me in prayer, if I needed them I knew I could go to them but God had me in these last 2 months, the month of May and June to be exact deal with this issue alone. I was in the fight of my life, I did more crying than I had in a long time, I battled mentally and emotionally. I was on a roller coaster ride, headache after headache, angry and upset, praying and asking God why, but I had to deal with it and FORGIVE.

Sidebar: I realized DADDY ISSUES and MOMMY ISSUES are prevalent in our communities, there are many my age, younger, and older that are dealing with the mere fact they are facing a Daddy Issue or Mommy Issue. It gets deeper when you have to deal with both, it gets deeper when there are questions left unanswered. I suffered in silence for years but I had to grab a halt in God and LIVE with reality unless I’ll still be searching for someone to fill the void and get hurt every time they do not mount up to the qualities of whom your searching to see in them. More damage, more pain, and more disappointment added on to SEARCHING but not SEEING.

Dad, Who Just Simply Stepped Up

My Dad whose been in my life since I was a baby, He’s ALL I KNOW. September 2012 My older Siblings and I buried our biological Father. But our Dad stepped up long before, ALL of my first came from him, though there were some difficult moments and things I wish I’ve known before hand, He still can’t be REPLACED. Some years ago I shared with my Dad how hurt I was because he didn’t give me his last name, He said he didn’t know I wanted him to and was very apologetic, this was one reason why it was so easy for me to really hurt when I was told he wasn’t my real father, because I didn’t share their last name. I don’t care how minor someone may think pain runs, it runs deep if you never face reality and deal with it. Certainly, I would have never dealt with it if I didn’t share my heart with my Dad, with God, and those that Mother and Mentor me now.

My Pastor preached a message a few years ago “Lord Deal With My Issues” this is when it begin to resonate in me that I had many PAST and PRESENT issues I needed to deal with. I am pleading with everyone that would read this blog and face what I had to, similar, or just ISSUES. DEAL WITH IT! You are stronger than you think, God saw me through one of the worst seasons of my life “DEALING WITH MY ISSUES” and He will see you through it also, I can’t tell you, you just have to see FREEDOM on ME. If you need to FORGIVE, Forgive and find FREEDOM in FORGIVING. I DID!!