Life On The Edge

Have you ever been AFRAID, FEARFUL, or just out right SCARED? I mean afraid to sleep, fearful of the thoughts that cloud your judgement, and just scared that you might get more heartbreaking news. Well let’s just talk about ME. I am Afraid, I am Fearful, and I am Scared. It is all a bad thing, only when it all begins to cripple our thoughts, challenge our faith, and keep us stagnant so we will never fulfill PURPOSE and MOVE FORWARD in the things of God.

Last year I made up my mind that I am going to run this race whether I wanted to or not and whether I was afraid or not. I placed 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given me (us) a Spirit of Fear, but of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND” around my home to be read daily and to get it in my spirit. One thing I come to realize is that the Spirit of Fear will come back to “CHECK YOU OUT” and if you were never taught how to FIGHT you will always find yourself back in the place and or state of being of AFRAID, FEARFUL, or SCARED.

PAUSE – Here’s Some Background (Very Transparent) Information

Losing My Mother was a hard blow to My Heart, Sanity, and even My Womanhood. I Lived Life on the Edge; I was AFRAID to Sleep, I became FEARFUL of Preaching, and I was SCARED that I would be the first sibling to die. My thought process was off, I was depressed, I ate out of emotion, I depised seeing Mother/Daughter interaction because this is what I longed for, and the list goes on. Years had passed and I slowly begin to regain consciousness, needless to say I wasn’t breathing at all. I just LIVED LIFE ON THE EDGE. Fear made me not want to open my mouth and not want to preach anymore.

WAIT! Who said we can pick up a CALL and put it down when we wanted to?

I’m back! Whew, I am so grateful God didn’t cut me off as I cut Him off time after time. I begin to regain consciousness and God begin to heal my heart. I had some deep rooted things I needed to deal with, because of what I longed for, I made some bad decisions and I put people in places they should have never been, making it easy for them to take advantage of me in my unstable state. I was no longer healthy mentally but I masked it so well, I was no longer as strong but I played the part. I just knew I had to FIGHT! I fought for my IDENTITY, I fought to LIVE, I fought to CHANGE, and I fought to be BETTER. I was Better, I was Changing, I was Living, I knew WHO I WAS, and I was GROWING UP. Suddenly, LIFE HAPPENED again. I became worst off, and FEAR creeped back in. This time around I didn’t want to do it in FAITH and I became really Afraid, Fearful, and Scared but the more I resisted the more of an URGENCY God pressed upon me, Intercession has been heavy on me, God even begin to press upon me the need to be Consistent. My ignore game became strong and I went down this dark path. I no longer wanted God! But I realized when God wants you, when there is a Destiny, when there is a Purpose God will allow you to do it all in PAIN because PAIN has a PURPOSE. God tugged and tugged and I resisted and resisted. I wanted to stay right where I was, it was not only easier this way, it was comfortable and I felt like if I turn to the world just maybe I’ll have less headaches and heartaches. Let’s be honest, not every believer is in a scandal and not every believer is living in sin there are some sold out believers but it seems the greater the CALL the greater the WARFARE. I have come to realize God took far worst PAIN for His PURPOSE. After all there were three CROSSES on CALVARY on the day Jesus Christ was CRUCIFIED. This is why we are here, this is why I am here, FOR PURPOSE.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I Know the Thoughts I Think Towards You, says the Lord. Thoughts of Peace and not of Evil, to give you (US) an EXPECTED END.

Present Day September 2022, as I am still WALKING out this journey, early this month I realized how much higher God was calling me to. URGENCY is what I felt, the need to PRESS is what I felt. I knew I needed to be honest with myself, in order for me to GO and GROW in the things of God, I needed to work on me Mentally. I needed to shut out all the noise, all the depending on Pom, all the invitations that wasn’t safe for me in this season, all the naysayers, all the confiding, all the giving of me, all the weight I carried trying to save and cover people. I realized I still LIVED LIFE ON THE EDGE. Did you know that LIVING LIFE ON THE EDGE does not only equate to being AFRAID, FEARFUL, or SCARED? Living Life On The Edge can be living in the shadow of others, Living Life On The Edge can be seeking validation, Living Life On The Edge can be masked in so many different things and only God can make us aware of it when we are honest with us. Living Life On The Edge can be potentially damaging to our mental state and begin to affect our physical state. This is why it’s imperative that we realize PAIN doesn’t come to SCARE us and PAIN doesn’t come to FEAR us if you ever LOVED you will feel PAIN. PAIN is a Teacher, it taught me there is always ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT. PAIN is a Reacher, it has me reaching out for tables that only God can place me at. This year while in PAIN, it made me take hard looks at myself, it made me LOVE deeper, it made me check my HEART consistently, it made me Honest, it made me Bolder and PAIN is MAKING ME BETTER. There is PURPOSE behind the PAIN! I am yet and still a work in progress but I am doing the work so I can be a Healthy Help in Life and in Ministry.

Advice To Know: When you are mentally unstable and or trying to heal every atmosphere isn’t safe for you right now. This is where you must really trust God to order your steps. This year I have gotten so many invitations to go places and help different individuals celebrate. I became afraid of disappointing people that depended on me because of my need to support and show up for everyone. However, God was saying to me if you go into this atmosphere you’re going in blindly and uncovered, you will see something that’s not meant for you to see and take on right now. I am a seer and I pick up on people easily when I am not fighting. This time individuals just had to be disappointed, what matters most is that I am Healthy in My Healing or I won’t be good for anyone in any atmosphere. So be careful and be honest, we don’t have to be on every scene. Some atmospheres aren’t safe or healthy for your process of healing.

I didn’t say I was over the Loss (Life Happened) but I am in a place of Healthy Healing. I can no longer LIVE MY LIFE ON THE EDGE. Responding to trauma placed my brain on edge and greatly impacted my control center. It placed me in a fearful place and it became damaging to my emotions and mentality. But don’t overlook the different traumas that come to “CHECK YOU OUT.” I’m dealing with mines, are you dealing with yours? Nothing will ever be too much for God because Faith Triumphs in Trouble the Bible says in Romans 5:1-5 “Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we started, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hopes does not disappoint, because the LOVE of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

The reason I preach Healing and the importance of #GrowGirl is because I am one that had to heal and is healing and I am one that continues to #GrowGirl.

Don’t be in a state of suffering in silence, GET UP, Get to a REAL SAFE place with REAL SAFE people and HEAL Healthy and while you’re at it #GrowGirl.

I AM!