Category: Free

Life On The Edge

Have you ever been AFRAID, FEARFUL, or just out right SCARED? I mean afraid to sleep, fearful of the thoughts that cloud your judgement, and just scared that you might get more heartbreaking news. Well let’s just talk about ME. I am Afraid, I am Fearful, and I am Scared. It is all a bad thing, only when it all begins to cripple our thoughts, challenge our faith, and keep us stagnant so we will never fulfill PURPOSE and MOVE FORWARD in the things of God.

Last year I made up my mind that I am going to run this race whether I wanted to or not and whether I was afraid or not. I placed 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given me (us) a Spirit of Fear, but of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND” around my home to be read daily and to get it in my spirit. One thing I come to realize is that the Spirit of Fear will come back to “CHECK YOU OUT” and if you were never taught how to FIGHT you will always find yourself back in the place and or state of being of AFRAID, FEARFUL, or SCARED.

PAUSE – Here’s Some Background (Very Transparent) Information

Losing My Mother was a hard blow to My Heart, Sanity, and even My Womanhood. I Lived Life on the Edge; I was AFRAID to Sleep, I became FEARFUL of Preaching, and I was SCARED that I would be the first sibling to die. My thought process was off, I was depressed, I ate out of emotion, I depised seeing Mother/Daughter interaction because this is what I longed for, and the list goes on. Years had passed and I slowly begin to regain consciousness, needless to say I wasn’t breathing at all. I just LIVED LIFE ON THE EDGE. Fear made me not want to open my mouth and not want to preach anymore.

WAIT! Who said we can pick up a CALL and put it down when we wanted to?

I’m back! Whew, I am so grateful God didn’t cut me off as I cut Him off time after time. I begin to regain consciousness and God begin to heal my heart. I had some deep rooted things I needed to deal with, because of what I longed for, I made some bad decisions and I put people in places they should have never been, making it easy for them to take advantage of me in my unstable state. I was no longer healthy mentally but I masked it so well, I was no longer as strong but I played the part. I just knew I had to FIGHT! I fought for my IDENTITY, I fought to LIVE, I fought to CHANGE, and I fought to be BETTER. I was Better, I was Changing, I was Living, I knew WHO I WAS, and I was GROWING UP. Suddenly, LIFE HAPPENED again. I became worst off, and FEAR creeped back in. This time around I didn’t want to do it in FAITH and I became really Afraid, Fearful, and Scared but the more I resisted the more of an URGENCY God pressed upon me, Intercession has been heavy on me, God even begin to press upon me the need to be Consistent. My ignore game became strong and I went down this dark path. I no longer wanted God! But I realized when God wants you, when there is a Destiny, when there is a Purpose God will allow you to do it all in PAIN because PAIN has a PURPOSE. God tugged and tugged and I resisted and resisted. I wanted to stay right where I was, it was not only easier this way, it was comfortable and I felt like if I turn to the world just maybe I’ll have less headaches and heartaches. Let’s be honest, not every believer is in a scandal and not every believer is living in sin there are some sold out believers but it seems the greater the CALL the greater the WARFARE. I have come to realize God took far worst PAIN for His PURPOSE. After all there were three CROSSES on CALVARY on the day Jesus Christ was CRUCIFIED. This is why we are here, this is why I am here, FOR PURPOSE.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I Know the Thoughts I Think Towards You, says the Lord. Thoughts of Peace and not of Evil, to give you (US) an EXPECTED END.

Present Day September 2022, as I am still WALKING out this journey, early this month I realized how much higher God was calling me to. URGENCY is what I felt, the need to PRESS is what I felt. I knew I needed to be honest with myself, in order for me to GO and GROW in the things of God, I needed to work on me Mentally. I needed to shut out all the noise, all the depending on Pom, all the invitations that wasn’t safe for me in this season, all the naysayers, all the confiding, all the giving of me, all the weight I carried trying to save and cover people. I realized I still LIVED LIFE ON THE EDGE. Did you know that LIVING LIFE ON THE EDGE does not only equate to being AFRAID, FEARFUL, or SCARED? Living Life On The Edge can be living in the shadow of others, Living Life On The Edge can be seeking validation, Living Life On The Edge can be masked in so many different things and only God can make us aware of it when we are honest with us. Living Life On The Edge can be potentially damaging to our mental state and begin to affect our physical state. This is why it’s imperative that we realize PAIN doesn’t come to SCARE us and PAIN doesn’t come to FEAR us if you ever LOVED you will feel PAIN. PAIN is a Teacher, it taught me there is always ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT. PAIN is a Reacher, it has me reaching out for tables that only God can place me at. This year while in PAIN, it made me take hard looks at myself, it made me LOVE deeper, it made me check my HEART consistently, it made me Honest, it made me Bolder and PAIN is MAKING ME BETTER. There is PURPOSE behind the PAIN! I am yet and still a work in progress but I am doing the work so I can be a Healthy Help in Life and in Ministry.

Advice To Know: When you are mentally unstable and or trying to heal every atmosphere isn’t safe for you right now. This is where you must really trust God to order your steps. This year I have gotten so many invitations to go places and help different individuals celebrate. I became afraid of disappointing people that depended on me because of my need to support and show up for everyone. However, God was saying to me if you go into this atmosphere you’re going in blindly and uncovered, you will see something that’s not meant for you to see and take on right now. I am a seer and I pick up on people easily when I am not fighting. This time individuals just had to be disappointed, what matters most is that I am Healthy in My Healing or I won’t be good for anyone in any atmosphere. So be careful and be honest, we don’t have to be on every scene. Some atmospheres aren’t safe or healthy for your process of healing.

I didn’t say I was over the Loss (Life Happened) but I am in a place of Healthy Healing. I can no longer LIVE MY LIFE ON THE EDGE. Responding to trauma placed my brain on edge and greatly impacted my control center. It placed me in a fearful place and it became damaging to my emotions and mentality. But don’t overlook the different traumas that come to “CHECK YOU OUT.” I’m dealing with mines, are you dealing with yours? Nothing will ever be too much for God because Faith Triumphs in Trouble the Bible says in Romans 5:1-5 “Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we started, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hopes does not disappoint, because the LOVE of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

The reason I preach Healing and the importance of #GrowGirl is because I am one that had to heal and is healing and I am one that continues to #GrowGirl.

Don’t be in a state of suffering in silence, GET UP, Get to a REAL SAFE place with REAL SAFE people and HEAL Healthy and while you’re at it #GrowGirl.

I AM!

My Past, Present, and Future Self

Life as I knew it wasn’t all good and it wasn’t all bad to say the least. 2019 was a major lesson about Family, Friends, Relationships, and Myself. For many reasons God had Me in a Frustrated Season. From the beginning of July until December I stayed out of Church, I stayed home and had My mind set on Me never attending Church again, I just promised Myself I will never leave God. I stayed home, Prayed, Fasted, Studied, etc. in that time God begin to show Me MYSELF. One thing God stressed to Me was I am not judging everyone together, I am judging everyone separately, it’s going to matter what you do to others as well as what others do to you. God begin to really put the pieces of my life BACK TOGETHER, He begin to force Me to GROW UP in Life and in Him, He begin to dig deep within from past Hurts, Setbacks, Regrets, Frustrations, Worries, Doubts, Fears, and forced Me to deal with it ALL. It’s one thing to be beautiful on the outside but if the inside is MESSED UP then yeah you (We, I) ain’t going nowhere fast. You’ll (We’ll, I’ll) be going through the motions and around in circles until You (We, I) be Honest with our Past and Present Self and admit I can’t do this alone anymore, I need to be HEALED, I need to be WHOLE, I need HELP Lord. When we are this Honest with ourselves, then we (I) can begin to really LIVE Life how God intended for us (Me) too.

LET’S DIVE DEEPER!

THIS IS HOW I GOT HERE!

I am Introverted and Shy, if you really do not know Me you’ll never know, I can be Moody at times and I will chose a good book, movie, or writing over hanging out with Family and Friends but I Love Hard and do enjoy the moments that are taking to spend with them. I like to have fun when I do, I am silly, sensitive, and very playful. Anything I do I am always including God in it, even if I am playing games with My Nieces, having a talk with My Husband, at work and acting crazy with my Co-workers or Students some way God is going to be in the mix of it. I am very Forgiving, I give people chance after chance after chance, I see the GOOD in EVERYONE I don’t care what I see in you or what you’ve done to Me, I can’t hold grudges, I may have felt a way in My Heart but God never allows me to stay there, He has never allowed Me to get away with anything, even when I left Him and My ways didn’t please Him, the Holy Ghost has been real in Me from the beginning of receiving it under the tutelage of My Late Bishop. Therefore, I lived a Holy life, until I decided I needed to Pretend and Lie to be cool, I wanted to Experience what everyone else in the Church was Experiencing because they were living, God didn’t punish them, they didn’t struggle, they got away with what they was doing, at least that’s what it looked like. So deep within I figured I can straddle the fence also. God always tugged on My Heart, Conviction has always Set In, but I begin to suppress it at least tried to, I stopped Studying and Praying as I did when I first got Saved, but the Teachings, the Word of God and Salvation still lived within Me, there was always a tug to do RIGHT and be SET APART, I still Encouraged, Uplifted, Spoke Life into Many, Prayed For, Preached, Listened, Gave Advice, even Prophesied on occassions, but I figured I matters well join the crowd. Deep within when many would call themselves “TAPPING IN” I would be like WOW they are not Praying, they are not hearing from God which almost made me believe there was no God but I knew better than that. I felt that way because I had individuals try to Prophesy to Me what I lied about, you ain’t “TAPPED IN” you tried to play on My emotions and the whole time I am looking like WHERE IS THIS GOD you and I Preach about. I just knew these same individuals that had the “TITLE” that had the “ANOINTING” also didn’t have a PRAYER LIFE, they were just TALENTED which was mistaken for the Anointing. The sad TRUTH is know one told these individuals the Truth, know one sat them down and Fathered, Mothered, or Mentored them, they were allowed to operate because they drew a crowd, collected a large offering, and sort after people they knew STRUGGLED emotionally. So I never understood why would God place me in such an atmosphere, I not knowing at the time because I was confident-less I had the POWER to CHANGE it but I COVERED it. What I’ve seen in Church growing up was Miracles, Signs, Wonders, and Mess. I still see today the same without the Miracles, Signs, and Wonders. It’s not say there is no God, it’s to say Matthew 17:21 & 2 Chronicles 7:14 must be exhibited or we will be a people in Church going through the motions with no real NOTHING except Recycled Members, Performances and Shouting over Mess that we created, swept under the rug, and never dealt with. We don’t properly deal with our Issues, we don’t Communicate with one another, and we’re to Cliquish and Territorial etc. We want a platform with no CHANGE.

I’LL KEEP GOING!

Young people have always looked up and gravitated to Me, I always felt I needed to be to them what others couldn’t and didn’t want to, on one hand I had a standard and stuck to it and on the other hand I told others what they wanted to hear and pretended to be what others wanted Me to be because they were in it. I’M JUST BEING HONEST! I am/was a Leader to the Youth, they Respected Me until I had to Correct them, I was placed in a position where I had to chose to do what’s RIGHT or to do what they LIKED. I was ridiculed, they walked around not speaking to Me because I didn’t allow them to become familiar with Me and they were allowed to by the adults that was suppose to be Leading them before Me. It Broke Me, it Hurt Me, it Discouraged Me, I Preached in a place they didn’t received Me in, I RAN and I KEPT RUNNING and had to come back to Preach in this same place and this time the Leaders didn’t receive Me all because I Corrected the Youth. WHERE WAS THIS GOD is all I thought of. This was suppose to be someone who Mothered Me Spiritually, the blind side was I never took it to God in Prayer, I just expected Him to rescue Me with LACK OF COMMUNICATION.

PAUSE!

God sometimes places us in situations to drive us TO HIM not FROM HIM! We can’t expect God to INTERVENE if we NEVER INSTRUCT Him to.

As I fore mentioned I am introverted and Shy and at times I can be Moody but coming up being ordained to Preach at an early age, Serving, a Youth Leader, Youth Choir Director/Member, Praise and Worship Leader, etc. I was taught to operate in Excellence, what I did I knew I had to represent God and My Leaders. I am a Perfectionist, I operated and served on a level that when absent caused individuals to question when would I be returning. Operating on that level causes you to have to interact with people no matter what they deal with or how they treat you. From past Experiences with people I developed a LACK of TRUST, A WALL, PRIDE, etc. Oh I wasn’t at all perfect but many seen the Heart I possessed and still do and took advantage of it. I begin to see everyone the same, I placed everyone in the same category, even if I gave them a chance, I knew and expected sooner than later they would show Me otherwise. In this state some relationships I messed up, I lashed out, I didn’t know My place in peoples lives, and I avoided some people instead of taking what I saw in PRAYER and COMMUNICATING it was a PROTECTIVE magnesium and some was what I expected and what I picked up from the beginning. What I saw/see in people and what I picked/pick up is usually what was/is, during those times God allowed Me to see it but not to Shut Down, not to Judge, not Talk, not to Build a Wall, not even to Isolate Myself but to PRAY, SOMETHING I NOW GET IN 2020. I was blinded by past Experiences and also desperate to have someone to call “Friend” “Sis” Bro” “Auntie” “Mom” etc. that I easily let people in, even in seeing what I knew was true, I was in Search for the REAL, I’ve seen and Experienced way too many of the FAKES. I caused it on Myself, mind you I wanted to please people so I’ll FIT IN instead of being SET APART I made those that were ASSIGNMENTS, ASSETS, and gave them ACCESS to Me in ways they should have never been able to reach Me which made it easy for them to MISTREAT ME, so I missed the MARK, and they were allowed to MISHANDLE Me. I cared too much of what others thought of Me. When you’re in a state of operating out of HURTS, BROKENNESS, ANGER, FRUSTRATION, etc. you can not fully function and operate in the capacity God called you to and you will never properly and fully hear God. Some of us just operate out of GIFTING & TALENT but God needed/s to know He can TRUST you (Us, Me) especially with the BROKEN. So I operated this way for Years, Preaching, Serving, Mentoring, Leading, and Ministering to individuals BROKEN, helping them get Free and know one can see how MESSED UP I was on the INSIDE, how Hurt, Used, and Abused I felt, they can only see how Pretty I was/am to be Dark Skinned (didn’t get that) and how Nice I Dressed/Dress.

When I begin to Experience LOSS, my heart begin to Break (more so felt what is God saying), Compassion begin to SET IN, I started to Change the way I saw Life, Change My Heart, and Change who I became. I wanted more than anything to HEAL properly, not be taken ADVANTAGE of and be MISHANDLED, I wanted to now GROW UP in life and in God. But I was STUCK and it seemed like everyone (MOSTLY) old and new proved to be what I picked up in the beginning. From 2012 to 2019 I found myself in a whirl wind, trying to HEAL but yet SEARCHING, trying to HEAL but I couldn’t TRUST people, trying to HEAL and served under Pastors that I thought can Help Me, I was Searching but nothing, I KEPT RUNNING (Blog post or Sermon for another time) still found Myself feeling Empty and Unsafe all while being pulled to Change and Grow up. I didn’t TRUST enough to let my guard down so even in attending Church I felt Unsafe I don’t care where I went. Still trying to HEAL, but Experiencing the Territorial Spirits and Lies meanwhile wondering where are the Prayer Warriors, where are the ones that’s DISCERNING I am just here to HEAL, I have a word on my life and I need to HEAL so I can give Birth. I found Myself in a place of still Building Walls, Shutting Down, still not Trusting, Isolating Myself because by now in My Life when I don’t feel Safe I Shut Down, I Retreat to Isolation, I see everyone the same, I go into Quiet Mood, and just being alone it’s Safe for me this way, at least I thought it was, it was the way I COPED but it was really UNHEALTHY.

LET’S GO BACK!

During the process of losing My Mom in 2012 I battled Depression, Suicide, Hair Loss, Weight Gain, I was Emotionally Damaged, I Felt Alone, I Experienced Anxiety, the enemy would always tell me your next and I listened, but at the same time I was Scared, there were times I would stay up all night Scared to go to sleep. But I wanted so badly to HEAL, CHANGE, BE FREE, and not LIVE Life on EDGE. I just always felt like had I not ventured out in Life I wouldn’t have gotten off of My post and My Mom would still be here. As I fore mentioned all the loss taught me Compassion, God already gave me a huge Heart, I became even more Sensitive to people, I wanted/want everyone to get alone, I asked God, why am I always the one going back to make it right, He replied; because you’re the one with the Holy Ghost. I just wanted to get rid of all the extras that came with Life and not Obeying God but I knew I had to first HEAL and get FREE from people and their opinions of Me.

God told me DELIVERANCE will come out of My OBEDIENCE. I had to become CONSISTENT in my WALK, in My Life, and with People.

SIDEBAR!

I remember going to a service at My Best Friend church years ago and the guest Preacher there that day came to Me and said God said for you to wear all BLACK you can’t dress like this anymore, he didn’t DISCERN, he didn’t have a PRAYER Life, his wife looked old and here I am this Pretty Dark Skinned single young woman and he was mesmerized, he tried to play on My Emotions, he thought I was Naive in the Spirit Realm, He didn’t TAP IN, I had just come out of a season of depression and all I wore was BLACK. What he didn’t know was I was young but I been in this FIGHT a long time, although in a Search to find Me, although WARRING with Me, Although RUNNING and FIGHTING I still knew the voice of God, that couldn’t be taken away from Me. So yeah let’s add the countless Pastors that wanted to get Me in their bed so bad by coming on to Me and trying to play on My Emotions. Needless to say I was LOYAL, I never over stepped My boundaries, if you was a Father, Uncle, Bro, or Nephew to Me I took it to Heart and I played My part and stayed in My lane. There were crushes but they were just that crushes and never to be acted upon, I knew to stay in My lane.

PICKING UP!

So My life was a Whirl Wind, a Roller Coaster, I was Searching not only for HEALING but also LOVE. So many of the things I Experienced, Covered, was told to Me in heated arguments, the Insecurities, the Low Self-esteem, Lack of Confidence, the family that didn’t/don’t remember where we came from and was to good for Me to be around, the Rumors and Lies that came from people that share the same blood, the Expectations I placed on people especially My Older Siblings and My Aunts when My Mom passed I sought after Validation from them, what they said mattered most to Me, I wanted them to be proud of Me, but I never heard it from the ones I expected it from, I just always thought many of them saw Me as NOTHING and maybe I still do think it but My Present and Future Self do not care anymore. I now know who I am in God, but before I get that far ahead. I Searched and Searched, Church wasn’t it, Relationships wasn’t it, being Loyal wasn’t enough, play Aunties and Sis wasn’t it, buying Friendships wasn’t it, the Giver in Me wasn’t enough, the Encourager and Uplifter in Me wasn’t enough, Dressing up wasn’t it, Sowing wasn’t it, hearing I am Proud of You from others wasn’t it, Marriage wasn’t even it, don’t get Me wrong My Husband is the best Man I could have ever asked for but something was still MISSING. I needed GOD for REAL, I needed to be FREE for REAL, I needed to go back into the place of PRAYER and stay at the feet of Jesus. After staying out of Church and allowing God to deal with all of Me, one Sunday God told Me to go back, in my mind I was going back but know one better not say a thing to Me, I want no hugs, I will just speak and keep moving, when Church is out I will leave, that was My mindset, God has not released Me from the Ministry (you know how we talk) so this time I couldn’t RUN and Lord knows in my lifetime I KEPT RUNNING, and never wanted to face My GIANTS head on, But I had to be OBEDIENT remember it was tied to My DELIVERANCE. THE RIGHT WAY to handle things was and is PRAYER and now I GOT IT. When you are desperate to be all God has called you to be, when you no longer want to FIT IN, you no longer want to PLEASE people, you find yourself in a SURRENDER POSTURE, in this Frustrated Season OBEDIENCE, CONSISTENCY, and PATIENCE was critical to My DELIVERANCE. So I went back and displayed this unapproachable behavior calling it God all because know one reached out to Me during the time of staying out of Church, but the fact remains God wanted to deal with all of ME, My Past and My Present Self. Sometimes God will ISOLATE you to REVEAL YOU to YOU. I was back going to Bible Study, Prayer, Services etc. one day after Prayer I got to express to some of the Women that God allowed to be there…

PAUSE!

Before I continue, many of you that will read this blog, I was released to write it first and foremost, secondly, Many of you know what Church I attend now and back than, most if not all of what I am writing My Pastor knows of, so before you let the enemy of your soul use you to screenshot this blog SHE KNOWS! PICK YOUR FACE UP and I Pray you to get FREE as I have.

LET’S CONTINUE!

So I expressed how I felt after Prayer to some of the Women that God allowed to be there in that moment. On My way home God spoke to Me and told Me I didn’t allow them to reach out because you would have said something that would have altered your DELIVERANCE all because you was too consumed by your feelings and you would still be apologizing to this day. I immediately begin to cry out to God, I called My Big Sister and three other people and told them what God had just spoke to Me. From that day I told God if you never Change the Situation, just Change how I view the Situation. Change My Outlook, Change My Heart, Change My Perspective, I am not a mean person and I can’t operate like this. The next morning in prayer God told Me it matters how you treat people and it matters how people treat you, I will judge individually. I knew I had to spend time with God because at His feet there are Instructions, Strategies, and Direction that it’s imperative you (We, I) OBEY. So now here I am in this Process, being Processed, Purged, Gutted, Healed, Whole, being Real with My Past and Present Self, God has started AGAIN putting the pieces of My LIFE BACK TOGETHER, I can’t say it’s COMFORTABLE, it’s very UNCOMFORTABLE but so NECESSARY. In this Season, God has even taken me off Social Media not a deactivation either, a downright DELETE it because I couldn’t/can’t handle it. This is the result of asking God to deal with all of Me, this is the result of being PURIFIED, PURGED, and PROCESSED. I don’t get away with anything, I just can’t live any kind of way, I seek after being a better, Sister, Friend, Mother, Mentor, Wife, Daughter, Member and you sincerely Learn to Submit and be Accountable all over again under Leadership TRUSTING that God knows exactly what He’s doing and where He has Me. Trusting that this time IT’S SAFE, not perfect but SAFE. I feel as though and was taught to take care of Leadership, there is nothing Leadership should ever have to worry about especially since we are always saying God sent us there. Leaders are not PERFECT and that was My mistake all these years, however; if God Anoints you to see the flaws in your Leader He’s showing you and trusting you so that you can PRAY and NOTHING ELSE, not to Correct, not to Judge, not to Tare Down, not to Ridicule, definitely not Talk and Certainly not to make Subliminal Social Media Statues. You are too COVER and PROTECT the Man and Woman of God. I don’t care what they do, how they act, how they treat you. TAKE THEM TO GOD IN PRAYER…

LET’S BACK TRACK!

Going back to Church wasn’t at all easy, again I found Myself being unapproachable to people but that didn’t last long. Remember, God Corrected Me, so now I go from being unapproachable and unwelcoming to being approachable and welcoming, after all My OBEDIENCE, CONSISTENCY, and PATIENCE is tied to My DELIVERANCE. I went from sitting in the back to now sitting closer to the front (if you ask Me I’d thought I was bipolar) but it’s a PURIFYING PROCESS one that I am willing to WALK OUT completely. One fourth Sunday this year I’ll never forget it, I came in ready we were in Intercessory Prayer and I began to Pray and cry out to God, once I told God “I AM AVAILABLE” I started Purging and hit the floor. That Sunday was unexplainable to say the least, in that service God dealt with ME. He had 2 individuals that COVERED Me in that Moment of DELIVERANCE and Release. I HAVEN’T BEEN THE SAME SENSE. I found Myself going back making things right with people that I didn’t do anything to and some I did. I will say this, some people that wronged you will NEVER come back to you, when you are SET APART, CHOSEN, and just simply want to do what’s RIGHT, everyday your POSTURE Changes, and everyday your PRAYER Changes to Lord not My Will but Your Will be done, Search My Heart, Forgive Me, etc. I had to apologize to My Leaders, although me staying out of Church was a Necessary Move, I still wasn’t Accountable. I am sure God revealed to her eventually but God made her watchmen of My Soul. I couldn’t Submit to My Boss and not My Leaders who Prays for Me. And with open Arms She and He welcomed Me back, Poured into Me, and Mothers Me just like her own. I am not naive to some facts, God made me OBSERVANT but I mistaken it and VENT when PRAYER should have been but is now the USED RESPONSE God has placed in Me. When I finally gave God Permission to do what He Desired and what He’s been waiting to do in Me, I stopped looking for Apologizes, Validation, Expectations, etc. I now know My place in people lives. God is in TOTAL and COMPLETE CONTROL, so much so that what I would usually VENT and TALK about I take into PRAYER, I have to Seek God about what to Read, should I watch TV, can I go Here and There. I was so use to supporting people that now God has me in a place of you can’t go everywhere in this Season you’re too open and vulnerable to the attacks of the enemy.

Let me just say this Church isn’t the only place I Experienced My Hurts, I also went through in School, on Jobs etc. I had one Boss tell me type this paper up for me in 15 minutes if not your FIRED, I laughed thinking she was joking but she wasn’t joking whatsoever. I had Bosses who tried to use their Authority to Scare Me. I experienced Hurts in different atmospheres but Church was the place I saw the Biggest demons and Experienced the Deepest Hurts but yet it was suppose to be SAFE. What I Learned is NOTHING should have ever CHANGED My POSTURE. What I carried was PAINFUL, as I am HEALING, I had to and have Learned to FULLY Trust God, I allowed Him to dig DEEP, things I never talked about, things that I suppressed He brought it back to My Remembrance and forced Me to deal with it, I am talking about being FREE and WHOLE for REAL. 2020 has been thus far months of DELIVERANCE, FREEDOM, WHOLENESS, etc. It has been UNCOMFORTABLE but NECESSARY. I am beginning to Experience God in a NEW way, I have gotten My ZEAL Back, I am beginning to get My FIRE Back, I don’t operate out of EMOTION, I Feel FREE in My Spirit. We TALK way too much, I CARED way too much, this time around Me CARING is on the level of God, I want His Heart. I CARRIED way too much, We LIE to OURSELVES and We NEVER Go BACK and REPENT. To this day I find Myself Repenting, I NEVER want to be in that DARK place I was in. I VOWED to continue to grow in GOD and in LIFE, the SAFEST place in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD is in the WILL OF GOD.

LAST STORY!

Years ago I went to an event, I got sick and came home early. This Pastor called My Mom and told her God showed her Me laid up that night in a hotel with a Man. My Mom kindly told her, My daughter is home and in bed and hung up the phone.

I WISH I COULD, BUT I CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP. I am just glad even in all I had to Experience, I still knew God for Me. The Teachings I received was taught out of PURITY and LOVE for the people of God.

The next time I operate in Ministry it definitely will not be from a BROKEN PLACE. I was only able to PREACH with CONFIRMATION because I REALLY sort the Lord for a Word to give to His people. I take it serious and one thing I don’t play with is SOULS. I just knew that the SOULS assigned to Me wouldn’t be FREE until I got FREE.

That goes for You too, The SOULS that are ASSIGNED to YOU, are you just going to let them DIE in the wilderness? Because you’re too PRIDEFUL, STUBBORN, and HARD HEADED to allow God to deal with all of YOU. I don’t care if I have to Purge every Sunday, God BURN IT AWAY is My CONFESSION.

This is MY TRUTH! This is only some of MY PAST & PRESENT SELF.

MY FUTURE SELF stands on Jeremiah 29:11 & Philippians 1:6. God has showed Me a glimpse, in this New Season all He wants Me to do is TRUST HIM.